Seriously? From a guy who has no style, and almost no blog? Probably just a bunch more hate-filled satire. No really. And if you already know what a race report blog entry is, why even keep reading? I wonder myself sometimes. But if you have, then let us begin with classification, because if we can't classify people, then we can't divide them, and if we can't divide them, we might end up bringing them together, and nobody, least of all me, wants that. So classify we shall. Let us begin with triathletes.
Doing a triathlete race report blog entry is fairly simple. Start by writing about your "nutrition" from the night before the race. This will ALWAYS come from either a restaurant, the Whole Foods prepared goods section, a 2lb sized cardboard powder canister, or a foil pouch. Preferably all of the above. Because who the fuck has time to cook when they're swimming, riding, running, and blogging all the time? Then write about your alarm going off at like, 1:45 am or something, segueing nicely into and even more detailed description of your synthetic breakfast. After that, cover the race plan, like your coach laid it all out to you. Cuz if you're a triathlete, and you've got a blog, then you've got a coach. And if you've got a triathlon coach, you've got a plan.
The rest of it is pretty easy too. Short paragraph about going in the water to pee, maybe 150 words on getting bonked on the head in the swim, and having "sighting" troubles. The rest of it can be pretty free form, just remember to say a lot of stuff about your crotch, and use catch phrases like "slammed a Gu" and "dropped my chain." Wrap it up with a finish photo that looks like a drunken stage dive in front of a digital clock (if you did well), or go to the cutesy kids cheering you on images if you sucked.
Running races are a little different. If you're a pure runner (i.e. don't ever ride a bike), then you probably wouldn't ever write a race report at all, or even have a blog. Because let's face it, your daily run isn't much more exciting than a trip to the bathroom, and for reporting on that we only need twitter. But let's go out on a limb and assume you want to blog about it. Start with the basics, you know, how you put in three consecutive 90 miles weeks, feel a little flat from those 400m repeats with the club, are a physical train wreck, and are using the race for "just training." Cause you need more mileage. Then go on to how you lined up, and how the 15 degree temperature just felt too warm after your winter of training in sub-zero at 4 am. The gun goes off. Here's where it gets difficult. If you're a dude, you'll want to detail how you made pace for the world class hot chick winner of the race that is... (don't remember where I was going with this)
Next up we have the road rider's race report. These are pretty easy too. Road rider blogging has one simple objective: make every race, every training ride, heck even every trip to the store sound worse than a Sunday in Hell. Now that I think of it, this could extend to CX riders too, and especially to CX riders who have nothing to do but ride the road in the summer. Point is, even if you don't allow yourself to use the four letter "E" word, you've got to let your readers know that all your rides, your entire life actually, are "E" Period. It's easier than it looks. Just rearrange "pain cave," "dig deep," "red zone," and "Belgian hard man" into a tale of a ride so difficult no reader could ever possibly duplicate it, because you and you alone are able to overcome the challenge of staying with equally unfit athletes following one another around an office park.
To be continued... Maybe
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