End of Conversation

This is a bike racing blog, and it's bike racing season, so lacking anything else that's politically acceptable to write about (the post about the fledgling NegaCoach Driving Instruction Division and its groundbreaking DWA rehabilitation program got nixed by the legal department, not to mention CC's threat to knock the mirrors off my XBox), we're going to compare and contrast road races with criteriums. For a minute or two anyway.

First up, do we have any readers in this photo? JJ? Colin? Anybody? You're famous! So yeah, criteriums. The 'rat keeps telling us he's a crit rider only, and shuns road races. I get this all the time from some of my mates. Then we have guys like Bret "no blog" Rutledge, who'll traverse New England in search of a hilly road race, but runs for his life at the thought of a tight four corner crit. Are they really all that different? The best riders seem to do just fine in both. Let's go through a day of each in semi-chronological order.

Wake up. If it's a road race, then it's probably somewhere twenty miles outside of East Bumfuck, NY, so the alarm will be going off around 3:45 am. Either that or you're already in East BF at a ranch-style motel and Marro woke you up at 3 am because you were snoring and since he made you turn out the lights and go bed at 7 pm (as soon as the Simpsons episode that he'd seen a hundred times and memorized the lines for ended), he's already woken up hungry and can't sleep himself, so he's got to deprive you of rest too. If it's a crit, you probably went out drinking at the Oriental Gardens the night before, slept in hungover until 10, and still have three hours to easily make the start in downtown [insert name of economically-depressed New England former mill city here].

Pre-race meal. Varies wildly. In general though, if it's a crit, we're talking PB&J and Gatorade, and if it's a road race, some complicated mix of eggs, flour, butter, bacon, and artificial "sports nutrition" mix with hundreds of unpronounceable ingredients.

Parking. If it's a crit, this could get ugly. First you have to find the damn race, which doesn't work out so easily because half the streets in town are either closed for the race or just blocked off because the local DPW had some extra cones and a 12 pack for breakfast while enjoying the race-related overtime. So you troll the neighborhood and look for a closed bank where you can get some shade under the drive-up, and possibly avoid the sketchy dudes collecting cans, and the drunk skank screaming at her man out the window of her fifth floor walkup. If it's a road race, you just follow the directions of the volunteers and navigate across the lumpy field of two foot high wet grass and pray that you don't lose your exhaust system on a rut, or get directed anywhere within 200 yards of Wolfie.

Registration. If it's a road race, it's still the crack of dawn, and everyone will be covered in clothing, hands in pockets, shivering, and nervously jittering up and down because they just need to get to the head of the line and move on to adding their own contribution to the growing stench from the nearby portapotties. If it's a crit, you just pick up your number, humor Rutledge when he quivers about how deadly the course is, and then join Curley examining the prize list.

Warm up. For crits it's easy. If you still had any room to pack your own trainer after Marro loaded in his 250 pound seabag full of worn out clothes and the rolls of duct tape used to hold them together, you set up in the shade, get out your towel collection for standing on, changing modesty, and brow-wiping, and get on with it. Get good and warmed up so that you can completely cooldown while the head official gives detailed instructions to the five guys near her, while the other 95 of us talk about the hot underage chick in the short shorts over on the sidewalk. If it's a road race, you don't warm up.

Race time! Finally we're here. If it's a crit, just fucking go. If it starts slow, don't worry, Marro will soon attack. If it starts fast, just put your head down and wait for it to stop. When it does, resume checking out the hot underage chick in the short shorts over on the sidewalk. Keep doing so every lap until you hear the announcer yelling something about two laps to go. Then move up, find the wheel of anybody from CCB or Gearworks, and ride the train to the promised land. If it's a road race, well, here is where things get a bit different. There are no spectators, so the first few miles will end up being slow conversations about bitchy wives and ugly teammates, or vice versa. Some dork may even ask you about your bike or your wheels. Try to ignore him. Eventually you'll come to a hill. The conversation will stop. This is how you know you are racing. When all you hear are chains going around cogs and fat guys who should have stayed home panting like dogs, the race is on. Put your head down and wait for it to stop. Eventually you'll come to a downhill. Watch out for the fat guys coming back from behind. Figuring out when the race is going to end is a bit tougher than in a crit, because you don't have an overcaffeinated announcer to tell you. Look for telltales signs. That's not a figure of speech, but real signs that say "1K to go" or if it's Battenkill, a big pole (huh-huh) with balloons and a red kite. This time, look for John Funk's wheel if it's available. Once you cross the line, gather your breath and scan the sparse crowd of onlookers for hot underage chicks in short shorts.

Post race. In a crit you go find the local pizza-by-the-slice place and spend your winnings feeding your teammates. For a road race, it's best to pull a Jansen and head back out for another 80k in the hills, because the race just wasn't hard enough. Either way, crit or road race, clean up your saddle area with baby wipes while wrapped in a big towel, and don't make eye contact with Wolfie unless you want to listen to him patronize you for at least half an hour. If this happens, be thankful you'll have something to laugh about on the drive home.

So there you have it, everything you needed to know about road racing versus crits. Maybe next time we'll look at TTs or cx or something. Thanks for reading.