Dedicated Follower of Fashion

Pez has a follow up to Josh's original article on cycling fashion etiquette. After the last one was discussed here, I've had some inquiries about my promise to elaborate on my personal cycling fashion faux pas. Ok, here we go...

First, stuff I do right -- Unclipping? What's that? Anyone who has ridden with me knows what I'm talking about. It's not trackstanding though, it's roadstanding. I always have my left foot forward to use the crown of the road to balance. And yes, I'm very good at it. Years ago at the Biddeford Crit (which was won by a young 18 year old kid from Texas, first name rhymes with dance), I was rolling up the sidewalk. A family was walking toward me. A race was in progress, and a snow fence prevented me from moving out of the way, so I did my "roadstand" to allow them to pass. The family youngster, 3-4 years old, was running ahead of Mom and Dad whilst looking back at them. He plows right into my front wheel, bounces back, and falls to the ground. I did not flinch (really, I had no choice, as falling on top of a little kid was not an option). Mom, Dad, and child were astonished. I held my pose until they walked past... I can't do a real trackstand with the right foot forward and the wheel turned right though. Never practiced it much. Maybe tonight.

My kits always match, and I'm not one to shred a group ride. I never ride racey wheels in training. And everyone knows I'm never caught post-ride still wearing my shorts, as my preference for parking lot attire is well known to be a dirty towel from the back of the car. Now on to the bad...

Sunglasses inside the helmet straps. I do this consistently, for functional reasons. In the event of a bee flying into the vents, frantically tearing the helmet off your head results in your glasses catapulting into the road if they're outside the straps. Not that I should care, as I don't wear expensive, fashionable glasses either. But then again, since the reasoning for wearing them outside the straps was to expose your sunglass sponsor's logos, I've got nothing to worry about. Home Depot is not counting on me to sell more landscaper safety glasses...

Ornaments --- Yes, I've raced (MTB) with a plastic Raphael Ninja Turtle strapped to my stem. This was probably not the only incident either, though I honestly don't remember the others. I'm sure somebody does. And you all know about the longstockings from CX. Someone called me a copycat for that, but the truth is I wore pink/purple paisley kneesocks at Lynn Woods back before she got her first Strawberry Shortcake BMX bike with training wheels. I'm an original...

Bibs with no jersey. Ok, I don't make a habit of this. In fact, I've only done it once. However, somewhere on this blog there's a photo, so I have to face up to the truth.

Arm and leg warmers must match. Ummm, I'm not sure what he means by this. Do they just have to match each other (I'm ok) or do they have to match the kit? (I'm in trouble then...)

Legs cleanly shaven. I'm not the worst offender in the world, but I've caught shit for lengthy stubble. Hey, I'm on a budget here, and Gillette ain't doing much to hold down the costs of their products. And it's not like I ever saw action like the 82nd Airborne either.

Sleeveless. Again, rare, but on my sunset cruises, hell yeah. And I have a colored helmet too, but that was a team buy. Speaking of helmets, although I totally rock the cycling cap, I succumb to pressure and always wear a freakin' helmet. Honestly though, I don't get the psycho "you must wear a helmet" crap. Really? If they're so great, why don't you wear one when you're driving in your car? Or when shoveling your icy driveway? Your risk of head injury in either of those two activities, and many others, is far greater than when going for an easy spin on your bike. Hell, Sunday I slipped in my cleats and nearly broke my neck in my own kitchen while getting ready for a ride. Didn't have the helmet on yet. Most accidents happen in the home, so why not wear it all the time? I know, this is supposed to be about fashion. And I wear the stupid thing anyway. I've been doing it for so long, it feels wrong to ride without it. Besides that, first question they always ask in the emergency room is "were you wearing a helmet?" Umm, it's my ass that's hurt maam... See the part with no skin on it? My brain's not in there, really.

Last but not least, white bar tape. No. My bar tape is somewhat legendary. Until this year, only BLACK Tressotar cloth tape was good enough to grace the handlebars of solobreak. Cloth was racey and old school. But Tressotar keeps getting harder to find. Worse still, I like to overlap it way more than normal. That way I don't have to replace it as often (although those familiar with my frayed and half-bare bars may beg to differ). The issue though, was with 44 cm bars, well, Tressotar hasn't changed the length of a roll since everyone rode 40s. It takes me four rolls to properly wrap my 3Ts. At $4.95/roll, good grief! Last year I caved. I found a "fake carbon" rubberish wrap from one of the discount bike parts whorehouses that has a great feel to it. Not too thick, not too tacky, grippy even when wet. It's $12.95 but often on sale for just $4.95! Any color you want so long as it's black, which is nice, as it thus matches the copious amount of electrical tape I use to finish the job. Other white stuff? Hoods, cool, but do they even do that anymore? Saddles? Sure, but I'll take whatever color is on sale. Tires? They're not white yet, but yes, I'll run colors, and I do try to have the front match the rear.

I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff. Feel free to chime in. I can take it... Thanks for reading.